


The Constellation of You

by insomniacchronosaurus



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, a little bit of inappropriate language, a tiny bit smutty, consent is sexy and important, if you're like 11 don't read this, inspired by a conversation i saw on twitter, just a lil bit, like references to smutty things, other members are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:33:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23232508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insomniacchronosaurus/pseuds/insomniacchronosaurus
Summary: What goes on late at night in the practice room, stays in the practice room. (that makes this sound way more smutty than it is its soft i swear)
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 4
Kudos: 164





	The Constellation of You

“You work too hard,” Chan said as he entered the practice room. Felix walked over to the speakers to turn the music off.

“Says you,” Felix replied, panting. Chan handed him a bottle of water. Felix took it gratefully, taking a long swig. He lay down on the floor, Chan sitting down next to him. The youngest’s chest went up and down rapidly, his breathing still heavy. Chan put his hand on Felix’s knee.

“Come on. Let’s go back to the dorm.”

“I can’t. The concert’s in sixteen days and I still don’t have the choreography down. I have to keep practicing.”

“You need rest.”

“I can get rest once I’ve perfected the choreo.” Felix sat up, wincing at the way his muscles ached when he did. 

“You’ll hurt yourself if you keep pushing. If you get an injury you definitely won’t be able to practice or perform.”

Felix sighed and pushed his bangs back, trying to think of an argument that would convince Chan to let him keep working. 

“There isn’t going to be much time for me to rehearse in the next couple weeks with filming and-“

“Shh.”

Felix rolled his eyes. “At least let me finish-“

“No really, shh. You’re distracting me.”

“Distracting you from what?”

“I’m trying to count your freckles.”

Once Chan’s words sunk in the said freckles were now against a bright pink background. Felix hid his face in his hands, embarrassed. He heard Chan whine.

“I’m gonna have to start all over now! Come on, Lix.”

Felix put his face in his knees, feeling overwhelmingly flustered and shy. Felix felt Chan take his hand and tilt his chin up so he could see his face. Felix immediately looked away. Chan whined again.

“I wanna count them! Please Lixie?”

Now how was Felix supposed to say no to that?

“Okay,” he said, Chan smiling adorably at the younger granting him permission. Felix started to pull his hand out of Chan’s to reach for the water bottle, but Chan made a noise of protest.

“I have to hold your hand to make sure you don’t move around again.”

A warm feeling unfurled across Felix’s chest and a smile slowly spread across his face. He nodded and slotted his fingers back into Chan’s. He was suddenly riding on a high of excitement that made him feel like he was buzzing at the edges. Giddy seemed to be the best word for it. At first there was a thought in the back of his mind that Chan was just doing this so Felix wouldn’t keep dancing, but now he believed that Chan really just wanted to count his freckles. Which was possibly the most endearing and flattering thing he’d ever heard. Chan talked about his love for Felix’s freckles all the time but now he was being close to Felix, holding his hand and making Felix feel like a schoolgirl with a crush all because of his fondness for them. 

It was adorably sweet in a way Felix couldn’t explain. All he knew is that at this moment Chan was making him feel special. And about something he used to be insecure about too. If Felix wasn’t sure before if he was in love with Chan, he definitely knew now. (Okay he had been sure before now but the experience affirmed his feelings anyway.) Felix looked down at his and Chan’s clasped hands and lifted them up to compare sizes. Chan didn’t have the biggest hands in the group (that was Hyunjin) but his still dwarfed Felix’s. That was something that used to embarrass Felix but now it was bringing joy. Whether he was really trying to or not, Chan was making Felix feel better about the things that he was normally ashamed of. Which was wonderful.

“You’re so pretty, Lixie,” Chan said suddenly, which made Felix make eye contact with him.

“Hm?”

“You’re really pretty.”

Felix’s heartbeat was at such a high rate that he thought it might explode, but he wouldn’t mind if it did.

“Thank you,” Felix said, his smile getting even brighter.

“Look at you accepting a compliment! Normally you’d disagree.”

Felix shrugged, still smiling happily. “I guess I just feel a little extra confident right now.”

Chan’s hand (the one that wasn’t in Felix’s) went to Felix’s cheek and Felix suppressed a tiny gasp. Chan was looking at Felix in a different way now. He seemed more contemplative. Like he was deep in thought. About what, Felix wasn’t sure. He doubted it still being his freckles.

“Hyung?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Because you’re nice to look at.”

Felix looked down at his lap, blushing again. When he looked back up, Chan had gotten even closer to him. Like he only had to learn forward a tiny bit to connect their lips. 

Felix shook his head. He couldn’t think about that.

“What is it?”

“Nothing,” Felix said as he put his head on Chan’s shoulder. Was he in love with Chan? Yes. Of course he was in love with Chan. Could he do anything about it? Obviously not. Not only could it be dangerous for the group and their careers, but it could mean risking their friendship. And Felix couldn’t lose Chan as a friend. He just couldn’t. So he had to contain his urges, suppress his feelings, and squash down any thoughts he had about doing anything romantic (or sexual) with Chan. He just had to. For the good of everyone.

“Shine on, diamond. Don’t make me wait another day,” Chan started to sing softly. The corners of Felix’s mouth turned up. He knew this song. He introduced it to Chan.

“Cause passion is passion-you know it just as well as me,” the two now sang together.

“Let’s stop running from love, running from love. Let’s stop-my baby,” they sang, but Felix’s voice faded as the line went on.

“Let’s stop running from us...running from us,” Chan sang, even quieter now.

You could hear a pin drop. Chan shifted and Felix slowly lifted his head off of his shoulder. The older turned Felix’s chin towards him so he could look into his eyes. Felix knew he should try to resist. Should get away, make an excuse, stop whatever was going right now before it started. But when Chan sang the next lyric of the song, Felix knew he wasn’t strong enough to be responsible anymore.

“Let’s stop-my baby.”

Chan leaned in and kissed Felix, holding his face. Felix’s arms went around Chan’s neck, his legs soon wrapping around Chan’s waist. Felix had imagined what it would be like to kiss Chan a countless number of times, but his brain could never have fathomed how wonderful the reality of it was. Kissing Chan was so warm, safe, healing and comforting. It was beautiful and fun. It was the best kiss Felix would ever have in his life. And no matter how dramatic the movies, books and TV shows made it, Felix decided they never made it dramatic enough. Because the reality was truly magical. That was mostly because Felix was so crazy in love with Chan, but Chan also was a genuinely good kisser.

Eventually Felix needed to breathe so he started to reluctantly pull away, breathing heavily as he leaned his forehead against Chan’s. They panted in unison for a few moments before Felix laughed. It took Chan a few seconds before he laughed too, and in those few seconds anxiety kicked in and Felix wondered if maybe Chan was regretting it. But when he leaned back and saw Chan’s face, he didn’t see an expression of remorse, which is what Chan would be feeling if he was about to reject Felix. 

“Was that okay?”

Felix engulfed Chan in a hug. He made a noise of contentment as he nuzzled his head against Chan’s chest.

“It was more than okay.”

Chan hugged Felix back. Felix couldn’t see it, but Chan was smiling goofily. Their bodies couldn’t be any closer than they currently were, but Chan tried to hug Felix tighter, feeling like he hadn’t ever actually held him until now. There had always been an invisible wall between them, a wall made of Chan’s anxiety over making Felix uncomfortable because of his crush on the younger. But he had just kissed Felix and he said it was more than okay. Felix liked kissing Chan. Felix liked him back. 

Chan truly felt free in that moment, like the fear and worry and constant trying to protect this boy that he loved so much had just melted away with five words. 

“Hyung? Are you crying?”

Felix lifted his head off of Chan to look at him. Chan touched his cheek and his fingers came back wet. He hadn’t noticed that he had started crying.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m okay. I’m great. They’re happy tears.”

“Really?” Felix asked, hope sparkling in his eyes. Chan nodded, smiling.

“Yes baby. I’m crying because I’m happy. I’m really happy.”

Felix’s face softened. “I’m really happy too,” he said in a gentle, small voice. Chan’s hand went to Felix’s hair, pushing it back so he could see the younger better. 

“God you’re beautiful,” Chan said, getting choked up. He really was in love.

Felix leaned in and started kissing Chan again. He started to giggle and pulled away far too soon (in Chan’s opinion.) 

“You taste salty now.”

“It appears that the tears got on my lips.”

“Are you sure you’re okay? Because if you’re not you can tell me-“

“Felix. I’m more than okay.”

The look of concern on Felix’s face was quickly replaced with a bright smile. Then he was kissing Chan again, and then he was tugging at Chan’s jacket so Chan took it off. He pulled away and looked into Felix’s eyes.

“Is it okay if I kiss your neck?”

Felix smiled. “Yeah.”

Chan leaned down and started to gently kiss Felix’s neck, hesitantly starting to lick and suck after he heard Felix make sounds of enjoyment. After Chan sucked particularly hard Felix moaned, and Chan decided to try something. He bit down on Felix’s neck.

“Oh!” Felix cried out. Chan immediately pulled away.

“I’m so sorry, did that hurt? I should have asked before I did that, I’m sorry-“

“No, it’s okay. You’re fine. I liked it.”

“You did?”

Felix nodded. “Please do it again.”

“You don’t have to go along with something just to make me happy, I want you to feel comfortable and do what makes you feel good, so if you don’t want to do something you can tell me-“

Felix took Chan’s hands. It gave him a strange flashback moment to earlier when Chan grabbed Felix’s hand to get him to stop moving. Chan had held Felix’s hands before tonight, but the times when he had done it tonight felt different from every time he had done it before. More...intimate.

“I’m not just doing this to make you happy. I want to. Now please bite my neck.”

Chan nodded. “Okay. But if you ever start to feel uncomfortable, just say so.”

Felix nodded. Chan leaned in again, kissed Felix’s neck a couple times, and bit down. The sound Felix made when he did was delectable. So Chan continued to suck and bite for a bit before Felix pulled his head away and started to kiss him again. When they stopped kissing Felix tugged at the hem of Chan’s shirt.

“I want your shirt off. Please. If you want. Only if you want to.”

Chan smiled and took his shirt off, placing next to him on the floor. Felix’s eyes widened and Chan laughed.

“What are you ogling at? You’ve seen me shirtless before.”

“Not recently! And you seem to have been busy recently because..” Felix whistled. “Those biceps are really something.”

“Are you saying I’m hot?”

“You know you’re hot. You just want to hear me say it.”

“...maybe.”

“You’re hot, Chan.”

“I know.”

Felix rolled his eyes and they resumed kissing, Felix’s hands running up and down Chan’s arms and occasionally squeezing his biceps. Chan smiled whenever Felix did, which made Felix smile in return. Felix then moved to Chan’s neck, starting to kiss and suck on it as well. Then Felix bit Chan’s neck and the moan Chan let out startled the younger, making him jump. Chan was mortified.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t-“

Felix started giggling. Chan looked down at him, his head on Chan’s chest right under his collarbone.

“Lix?”

“You don’t have to apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah! You’re fine. It was funny.” Felix lifted his head off of Chan’s chest.

“You seem really nervous.”

“I just don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or weird-“

“Chan. I’ve known you for almost four years now. I’ve seen basically every version of you. You when you’re at your worst and look like a zombie, you when you haven’t showered or brushed your teeth for a week and could kill a skunk with your stench, you when you’re crying and terrified. I’ve seen all these parts of you. And did it scare me off? No. Never. Nothing you could do would ever scare me off. And you’d never make me uncomfortable. You might do something that doesn’t feel good, but that’s okay. We’re figuring this out together. And I’m fine with some trial and error. I feel safe with you.” 

Chan slowly leaned in and kissed Felix long and deep. It wasn’t heated or passionate like they had been kissing before-this was tender and sweet. When he pulled back to look at Felix, his fingers hovered cautiously over Felix’s face, like he thought the younger was fragile.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! I am very sure.”

Chan exhaled. “Okay. But like I said, it is okay if you feel uncomfortable with anything and if you do just tell me-“

“I know. And same to you. Shall we continue?”

“Is it okay if we take it to your room? Changbin’s asleep on the couch in the studio.”

Felix seemed hesitant. “Are you...do you…”

“Do I what?”

“Do you want to have sex?”

Chan was not expecting that question, though it didn’t take him long to feel stupid for not seeing it coming. 

“Uh-I-”

“Sorry, sorry-I shouldn’t have said that. Can we please forget I ever said that? In fact, can we please forget that any of this ever happened?” Felix said, sitting up and started to gather his things.

“Wait, no! Please don’t go.”

“It’s fine hyung, really. I understand. We don’t have to talk about it.” Felix zipped up his bag and stood up, slinging it onto his shoulder. Chan stood up and grabbed his wrist.

“Hyung-”

Felix was interrupted by Chan kissing him hungrily, pushing him back against the wall, any worry he’d had previously about making Felix uncomfortable now having vanished into thin air. The only thing Chan cared about anymore was making Felix know how much he wanted him, and making sure Felix felt good. Felix took a moment to respond, but once he did he was responding fully. In moments his shirt was off and Chan was starting to undo Felix’s belt when he realized that Felix had a boner. And that realization made Chan hard. 

“What is it?” Felix said, out of breath from the making out.

“I really want to have sex with you,” Chan said, looking up to meet Felix’s eyes. Felix smiled in a way that made Chan wonder how he’d never realized how hot Felix was until now. 

“I really want to have sex with you too.”

“Cool. Great. The thing is, I’ve never really done anything with anyone before.”

“It’s okay. I’ve never had sex either. I’ve done other things, but not-you know.”

“Wait, you’ve done other things? With who?”

Felix looked so pretty when he blushed that Chan couldn’t find it in him to be jealous. “With Changbin. I jerked him off one time, but it was a while ago. I don’t feel attracted to him in that way anymore. And there was a guy I knew back in trainee days before we met that I kissed and masturbated with a couple times. But that’s it. So I’m pretty clueless as well. I understand if it’s awkward or messy or not great. It’s our first time. It makes sense if we’re terrible at it.”

Chan laughed and Felix felt like he was glowing from the inside out. “You’re right. We can go slow. I just wanna be close to you.”

Felix smiled. “I just wanna be close to you too.”

Chan grinned before kissing Felix again and carrying him all the way back to the dorms, both of them giggling as they went, filled with a special kind of glee and courage that only being in love can give you.

When Felix woke up the next morning Chan was still asleep. Felix smiled upon seeing him, because he was just so damn beautiful, and normally upon thinking something like that he’d suppress it, but he didn’t have to anymore. And that felt fucking awesome. So Felix leaned over to kiss Chan’s forehead, because he could. But the clatter of a water bottle hitting the ground stopped him. He looked up and saw Hyunjin standing in the doorway, staring at Felix and Chan looking shocked. And then it hit him-Felix was fully naked in bed with Chan, who was also very naked. They were in an idol group. They were celebrities. Singers with thousands of fans, as well as haters. And they were both men. 

Fuck.

Felix immediately got out of bed, pulling last night’s boxers and jeans on as fast as he could. He ran to Hyunjin, shoving him down the hall and closing the door behind him. Felix dragged the older to the kitchen, shutting the door there as well.

“You had sex with Chan hyung!” Hyunjin said as soon as he was sure no one would hear them. He squealed and Felix sighed.

“Yes, I did. Are you happy?”

“Very! I knew you two had something going on. Hannie owes me 10,000 won now, so thank you for your service. How long have you been together? And when were you planning on telling us? The answer to this will affect who wins my bet with Lee Know hyung, so answer carefully.”

“We aren’t together.”

“Wait, you aren’t? So last night was your first time?”

Felix nodded and Hyunjin laughed. “Y’all are some dumbass gays. Good thing you’re cute. So are you going to ask him to be your boyfriend once he wakes up?”

“I...I don’t know. I want to.”

“Then why don’t you?”

“Because it would complicate things, Jinnie. We’d have to keep it a secret, which is difficult, and it’s harder to stay closeted when you’re dating someone, and it could negatively affect the group, and I can’t risk that, especially after all we’ve been through. And you know Chan wouldn’t risk the wellbeing of the group for anything.”

“Actually, he would. Chan would risk the wellbeing of the group for our, or in this case your sake. Us, as individuals, are more important to him than us as his fellow members of Stray Kids. We’re his friends above everything. We’ll always be more important to him than work or music. You know that, right?”

“I know, but I don’t want him to have to risk his career for me. He loves being an idol. He spent seven years away from his family, watching his friends come and go, all getting to debut but him. He’s been through so much to get to where he is now and I can’t take that from him. I just can’t.”

Felix wanted to walk away after that, but to walk away would mean to go back to his room where Chan was asleep in his bed, and that meant Felix would have to wake him up and say everything he just said to Hyunjin, forcing the little heaven they created together last night to melt away. And Felix wasn’t ready to leave this little heaven. He didn’t want to go back to reality. He wanted this little heaven to be his reality. But Jeongin’s arrival to the kitchen reminded Felix that other members would start waking up soon, and one would probably stumble into his room soon enough and find Chan the way he was, and the more members knew the messier things would get, so he had to get a move on.

In a haze Felix stumbled through the hallway to his room; vision blurry and sound fuzzy. His heart was already breaking and he hadn’t even talked to Chan yet. If he was having trouble walking now, would he even be able to move once he broke the news?  
Or what if when he got to his room Chan was already awake and preparing how to break up with Felix himself like the responsible leader he was, because he had to prioritize the group no matter what, and Felix was crazy for thinking for even a second that he wouldn’t?

The world seemed to snap back into place once Felix shut the door to his room and saw Chan again. Felix was present once more, but now that he was seeing Chan the pain got even stronger. 

“Mmm...Felix?”

The sleepiness in Chan’s voice as he called out for his lover was the fucking cherry on top of this agonizing morning. Felix was starting to wonder if it was possible to die from heartbreak. 

“Yeah?” Felix said, amazed that he had managed to keep his voice neutral.

“I’m cold. C’mere.”

Felix hesitated (and hesitated at hesitating) but walked over and sat by Chan, placing a hand in his hair. Chan hummed contently.

“Morning love.”

Felix wanted to scream. More than that, he wanted to go back in time and find himself at age sixteen and keep the younger version of him from ever meeting Chan so he wouldn’t end up being as enamored as he was right then, because god was it brutal.

“Morning,” Felix said, not able to keep his voice from breaking. Chan started to sit up at that, having detected the tone of Felix’s voice and wanting to comfort him. He yawned and rubbed his eyes to help himself become fully conscious. 

“Okay, I’m here. What’s wrong?”

Felix’s lip was trembling. He really didn’t want to say it. But he knew he was only delaying the inevitable.

“We can’t do this,” Felix said, his words coming out in a soft whimper.

“Can’t do what?”

“This. What happened last night can’t happen again.”

There was a silence for what felt like years before Chan nodded, and it really sunk in that this was happening. Felix just prayed that he could keep his tears in until Chan left. 

“I understand.” Chan got out of bed and put his clothes from yesterday back on. He walked towards the door but turned back before grabbing the knob.

“Just so you know, it was the best first time I could have asked for. You’re amazing.”

And Felix knew he should have left it there, should have let Chan walk out of the room and out of his bed and his heart and head and soul and his dreams and his fantasies and romantic life. That should have been it. That should have been the end.  
But it wasn’t.

“Then why are you walking away?”

Chan took his hand off the doorknob. “What do you mean?”

“If I’m amazing, and last night was so good, why are you walking away?”

“Because you want me to.”

“You think I want this to end?” Felix got up off the bed and walked over to Chan. 

“Well you said we can’t do this again, so yeah.”

“I’m not saying that because I don’t want it to happen again, I’m saying that because I have to. For the good of the group. For you.”

“What do you mean for me?”

“I’m trying to protect you. Music is everything to you, and a couple within the group could threaten your career. I know how hard you’ve worked for this and I don’t want you to lose-”

“Oh my fucking god. You are so stupid.”

Felix was frozen for a moment, still processing what had just happened. “Sorry, what?”

“You are a goddamn fucking idiot. Of course I want Stray Kids to carry on for as long as possible, and yeah I’ve worked hard to get here, but you’re more important than any of that stuff. Music is not my everything, you are.”

Felix felt like his heart had stopped. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I love you.”

“You-You do?” 

“Yes. I love you. Not like a brother or a friend. I am romantically in love with you. And Lord knows I love you sexually too.”

Felix chuckled the smallest bit through his tears.

“When I was a kid I was constantly imagining what this kind of love felt like, and eventually I concluded that I just couldn’t know until it happened. It was something completely unique and really, really special. All the movies and books and TV shows made it seem like the best thing ever. So it was unimaginable. I would just have to wait until I fell in love to know it. And now I know it and it’s a son of a bitch. It’s hard, it’s so fucking hard. So painful and inconvenient and annoying. A goddamn curse. I used to wish every night that I didn’t love you. But then last night happened, and I don’t regret any of it. Even if after I’ve done with my dramatic speech you still say you can’t and it turns out I’ve ruined everything, I won’t regret it. Because the feeling of loving someone like that and being loved back is worth it all. I really understand it all now. Why people lose their minds and fight wars over this shit. It’s not the best thing in the universe, and it’s far from perfect either. But I still want it. I want it with you. I want you. So fuck everyone and everything else. Let’s be in love together.”

Eyes shining, Felix moved forward and placed his shaky arms on Chan’s shoulders, his hands absentmindedly finding each other behind Chan’s neck. He was quiet for a long while, eyes moving everywhere but Chan’s eyes, before finally breaking the silence.

“How am I supposed to follow that?”

Chan’s anxious frown twitched into a smile.

“Say yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> and that's all folx! hope you enjoyed it. pls stay strong during this difficult time. if you or someone you know is currently struggling, especially because of COVID19, I am keeping you in my thoughts. I wish I could do more.  
> follow me on twitter @jiwooingme if you'd like, and if you have gofundme's or venmo links, pls message them to me because i'll rt it and help spread the word. we all need to support each other, now and forever.  
> i love you, te amo, ti amo, 我爱你, मैं तुमसे प्यार करता हूँ, je t'aime, أحبك, আমি তোমায় ভালোবাসি, Я люблю тебя, eu te amo, 사랑해, Aku cinta kamu. (sorry for any mistranslations, i used google translate.) if you're wondering, i picked the 10 most spoken languages in the world as of september 2019, according to babbel magazine. and i threw italian in there cause i knew it so might as well say it. and korean cause duh.  
> anyway i'm going to shut up now hope you're doing well take care of yourself byeeee


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